Hylians and Vampires
by MidnightMoonOasis
Summary: What happens when the Cullens and Jacob take a visit to the world of legend of zelda twilight princess? answer complete randomness! Please rate and review.
1. Two Worlds

Disclaimer: MidnightMoonOasis does not own Twilight, Legend of Zelda or Pokémon mystery dungeon 2 explorers of time who belong to Stephanie Meyer and Nintendo.

Chapter 1

Cullens: WHAT!!!

Alice: You heard me we're all going for a trip to Hyrule! =)

Edward: But Alice, Hyrule doesn't exist

Alice: That's where you're wrong Eddy; I happened to bump into someone who can transport us there, looks a little shifty but apparently has great powers and abilities

Rosalie (hated by the author with a passion); so you're telling me that he can somehow create some sort of portal that can transport us to a fictional world that doesn't even exist!? Really Alice I expected this sort of thing from Bella but not from you.

Alice: Look Rosalie I've seen him do it he's amazing and I went on an adventure to the Pokémon mystery dungeon explorers of time world and it was awesome! It was basically the same plot from the game too only I didn't lose my memory and I knew Dusknoir was going to try and kill me and my partner and I also knew Grovyle was good so the plot changed a bit but it was just like I was playing the game and..

Emmett: Whoa Alice! Did you find the crack?

Alice: NO! And look it really happened, trust me just let me take you to him and see for yourself.

Carlisle: Well I guess she's not going to calm down unless we see this man so let's just...

Alice: Great then its decided! =)

Bella: Hey why haven't I had any lines?!

Emmett: Because Bella the author much rather prefers Jacob than Edward so she wanted you to sneak off to his house for some downtime (bow chicka wow wow much?) and relationship building even though you're married to Edward and have a child together who Jacob actually imprinted on which isn't pervy at all in any since but all her friends think it's kind of sick and none of them really like Jacob that much as they are all pretty much BellaxEdward shippers or are just head over heels for Jasper and..

Bella: OK I GET IT THE AUTHOR WANTS JACOB AND I TO MAKE OUT JUST SHUT UP!

Emmett: You're the one who asked

Alice: Alright everyone back to the attention on me please, we didn't come here to discuss the author's Jacob fetish.

Edward: I did

Alice: Shut up

Jasper: Well you know this could actually be pretty fun!

Alice: That's the attitude Jazz, so without further ado on to Hyrule!

Meanwhile in Ordon Village....at night

Link: For the last time Bo, I'm not marrying your daughter!

Bo: Oh come on Link, Ilia's pretty hot ain't she?

Link: Dude that's your daughter you're talking about there you know

Bo: Well I'm getting desperate here, you're the only guy around here even remotely close to Ilia's age and we all know she digs you so why not do I a favour and keep all the LinkxIlia shippers happy?

Link; Well yeah but what would happen to all the other shippers out there huh Bo? What would they think if I got married? You never know how people would take it especially one as smexy and pretty as me and besides I can do a hell of a lot better than Ilia I could probably even get Ganondorf if I wanted to!

Bo; well who else is there to pair her up with?

Ralis; Hi everybody!

Bo: Oh **** no

Link: Well problem solved, IM off to bed! (Or is he?)

(Link leaves only to eavesdrop outside, pathetic much?)

Bo: (sigh) poor Ilia she really loves that boy

Ralis: Dude, EVERYONE wants a piece of Link, even I want some

Bo: ..................

Link: ..................

Rooster: ..................................

Link; I don't feel safe around here anymore.

Back to Forks.......at 6 o'clock

??? : Ah Alice welcome back, I see you've brought your family, but what's with the dog?

Alice: He's here so if we ever come across Wolf Link or any other animal we can understand what they say!

Jacob: woof (She said there would be cake)

??? : Um ok well whatever, if you're ready please step inside the portal

Edward: Wait a minute how are we going to get back?

??? : Oh don't worry I'll make another portal at Ordon spring, so you have nothing to worry about.

Carlisle: You know I have a suspicion that this is a trap

Esme: Oh Carlisle what are the odds of that happening?

??? : THINK FAST!!

(Everyone except ??? gets pushed into the portal)

Esme: Damn you irony!

??? : HA HA PWNAGE!


	2. Landing in Hyrule

**Hey guys! Well I've finally updated! And hyrules-secret-shadows sorry but I'll probably just stick to script format for this story, but my others will definitely be in normal format unless I decide to do a sequel for this but anyway now it's time for Emmett to do the disclaimer!**

**Emmett: Wait I you were head over heels for Jacob?**

**Me: Well I've been trying to work on that, and anyway you know I like you all.**

**Emmett: What about Rosalie?**

**Me: Emmett, I swear if you don't do the disclaimer now, I'll change your name to Kathleen**

**Emmett: OK MidnightMoonOasis doesn't own any of us**

**Me: Yeah I suppose that works**

Faron Spring, Hyrule

Alice: OH my gosh that was so fun! Wait a minute, though where's everyone else? And why am I supposedly talking to myself?

Jacob: I'm listening if it helps.

Alice: How long have you been PERVERTING on me!?

Jacob: Well actually I wasn't per.....

Alice: PERVERT!!! Ok now we've got that out of the way let's look for Link and Midna!

Jacob: Shouldn't we focus on finding the others first?

Alice: Where's the fun in that?

Jacob: I just can't win with you can I?

Alice: No NOW MOOSH!

Jacob: Moosh? I'm not a f*****g elephant you over-excited little vampire b***h

(Alice gives Jacob the evil eye)

Alice: Did I give you permission to talk?!

Jacob: ........

Alice: And if I were you I would moosh right now or you will be in a world of hurt and you will also hear me telling the story of everyone that I ever fell in love with and how they met their doom.

Jacob (sigh, I bet everyone else is having a way better time than me)

Meanwhile at Eldin spring

Jasper: Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! We are going to die! Even though we are immortal! I can't believe we are actually in Hyrule! We are like totally in Kakariko village with is pretty much right beside Eldin spring! And what's even worse is that there's no television! How am I supposed to watch the new series of ugly Betty now!

Bella: Jasper get a hold of yourself! And wtf, ugly Betty? Anyway this isn't the time for that now, we have to find the others and find a way to get back to forks.

Jasper (now recovered from his panic attack): But how are we supposed to find them? I mean we were probably spread out all over Hyrule!

Bella: Look its simple, we just ask some people in that village over there if they've seen some people dressed in weird clothes and have a dog, or a half naked teenager.

Jasper: I guess people are bound to notice that.

Bella: Exactly, so let's go!

(Bella and Jasper go to Kakariko village, where Bella knocks on the door of a random house and a guy who looked like a woman answered the door.)

Guy who looks like a woman: Can I help you?

Jasper: Well you see...

Bella: Jasper let me handle this. So guy who looks like a woman have you seen any suspicious looking people with weird clothes and big dog or a half naked teenager?

Guy who looks like a woman: Hey for your information my name is Renaldo and I do not look like a woman! And I have not seen any of the people or animals that you have described to me.

(Renaldo slams the door on them; apparently he does not appreciate being called a woman)

Bella: Well that helps.

Jasper: Maybe I should talk to people from now on.

Bella: Hey it's not my fault if he can't accept the truth!

Jasper: I still think I should talk to people from now on.

Bella: I suppose so.

Jasper: But now where do we go? This place seems pretty desolate so it doesn't look like we'll find answers here.

Bella: Why don't we just wander around and see what we find? Someone will probably just to us, that's what always happens.

Jasper: Hey we are not gypsies!

Bella: Well duh, do you see us with the luxury of a caravan? I think not.

Jasper: Good point.

Bella: So anyway without any further ado on through the yellow brick road! Oh I mean on through Hyrule!

Jasper: This is going to be eventful...

Meanwhile at Lanayru spring

Emmett: WTF? I can't believe it; we actually made it to Hyrule?!

Esme: It would appear so.

Emmett: So what do we do now?

Esme: Well first I would recommend getting out of this cave and exploring our surroundings, and then find a way of getting back to the others then finding a way back to Forks.

Emmett: Well didn't that guy say he would open up a portal for us at Ordon Spring?

Esme: Emmett did you not hear when I said...

(Flashback)

Esme: DAMN YOU IRONY!!!

(Flashback over)

Emmett: Oh yeah that was hilarious!

Esme: It was also my way of saying we sucked into a trap!

Emmett: Well we still need to find the others so let's go.

Esme: I'm glad you see it my way.

Emmett: Wait a minute.

Esme: What is it now?

Emmett: Why are all the female characters dominated the male characters in this fic? I mean the writer isn't a feminist or anything and she doesn't hate us that much does she?

Esme: How should I know? Anyway let's get out of here.

(They come out of the cave into Lake Hylia)

Emmett: I hope nothing attacks us while we're travailing.

(King Bulbin comes out of seemingly and notices Emmett and Esme. Esme grabs Emmett by his shirt collar)

Esme: IS IT POSSIBLE TO KEEP YOUR F*****G MOUTH SHUT FOR JUST 10 SECONDS!!!

Emmett: Yikes! Anger management problems!

Esme: SHUT UP!!!

(Esme finally lets go of Emmett but is still p*****d off)

Emmett: Anyway I thought King Bulbin wasn't evil anymore?

King Bulbin: I can't get employed anyway else and besides the dark side have cookies!

Emmett: Yum! Hey Esme can we join?

Esme: NO! And you pathetic green ogre who couldn't even get the part of Shrek! Prepare for a world of hurt!

(Esme does a falcon punch and King Bulbin gets flown off to Kokiri forest)

Kokiri kids who find an unconscious green ogre: Its E.T! Let's kill it, I hate that movie!

(Back at Lake Hylia)

Jasper: ...0.0.....

Esme: Care to say anything else?

Jasper: Nope

Esme: Didn't think so

Meanwhile at a random spot in Hyrule field (I ran out of springs)

Edward: Lying on the grass is so peaceful without any annoying female companions; nothing could spoil my day now.

(Suddenly Link comes galloping on Epona)

Edward: (sigh) except that.

(Link suddenly stops as he sees Edward lying on the grass)

Link: Hey dude what's up?

Edward: Well I was trying to escape from the worries and perils of the world when I was abruptly interrupted a deuchebag.

Link: Well I'm trying to do that too but instead of lying on the grass I just run away.

Edward: Sounds fun.

Link: Oh it is especially when escaping from the annoyance of females who are either in love with me in some messed up fanfic or ordering me around or both.

Edward: Yeah I know what that feels like

Link: So do you want to travel together? The writer obviously intended it to happen as we have conviently encountered each other when we don't have partners for whatever reason.

Edward: Sure why not.

Meanwhile at the Zora domain

Rosalie (still hated by the author with a passion): I'm not sure I like the look of these weird fish people...

Carlisle: Oh stop complaining we might get Zora armour!

Rosalie: And that's useful to us because?

Carlisle: Then we can go swimming!

Rosalie: I don't want to go swimming! This isn't the time for that!

Carlisle: Yeah that's what she said....

Rosalie: SHUT UP!!

Random Zora: Mmmm cake.

**Well that wraps it up for now. Please comment and I'm not a feminist. Just so you all know.**

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	3. Fangirls and Monkeys

Hey I'm back! Sorry I'm so late updating, Thanks to all the people who reviewed and now Ganondorf is going to do the disclaimer!

Ganondorf: Am I even in this story?

Me: Actually yes, it wouldn't be much of a story without villains now would it?

Ganondorf: Good point. Wait, you said villains, you don't think I'm capable on my own?!

Me: Pretty much.

Ganondorf: (sigh) there goes my self-esteem. By the way what happened to Emmett?

Me: He stalled on the disclaimer so I sent him to a Barbie concert.

Ganondorf: That's just cruel.

Me: You have to be cruel to be kind.

Emmett: I was scarred for life and will never look at Rosalie without screaming for about another month. How is that kind?

Me: I didn't say it was kind for you.

Ganondorf: I'll just do the disclaimer now. MidnightMoonOasis does not own Twilight or Legend of Zelda. She does however own a pretty blue phone.

Me: It's the best phone ever!

Ganondorf and Emmett: right...

Chapter 3

Somewhere in Hyrule field / the yellow brick road.

Bella: Oh my gosh!

Jasper: What is it?

Bella: I forgot about Renesmee!

Jasper: So much for parenting.

Back at La Push.

??? : Maw ha ha! I'm still laughing!

Nessie: You do realise the portal's still open?

??? : Wait...What?

Nessie: I said the portal is still open and you could just easily fall in and be in the same situation as everyone else you pushed in.

??? : Well I won't and how did you get in here anyway?

Nessie: The front door was open.

??? : Dang.

Nessie: Wait a sec, I know you!

??? : Say what now?

Nessie: You're the guy who keeps getting his ass handed to him by Link!

??? : Well first of all, screw you. And second of all you're a small child; you shouldn't be cursing or playing Zelda games for that matter!

Nessie: Technically an ass is a donkey and I just watch video walkthroughs on You Tube and then it's pretty easy.

Ganondorf (If you didn't know who it was by now then there is something seriously wrong with you.): fail.

Nessie: Oh great comeback there.

Ganondorf: Well thank you, Wait a minute that's sarcasm!

Nessie: And you're the main villain in every Zelda game? Honestly no wonder Link had time to look pretty!

Ganondorf: Now that was just mean.

Renesmee: Well stop being such a baby. It really doesn't help proving you're not gay.

Ganondorf: Well maybe I should save us both some trouble by just jumping in the portal myself?

Renesmee: Fine then.

Ganondorf: Ok I will!

(Ganondorf jumps into the portal.)

Renesmee: Dumbass, but I suppose I might as well go in too.

(Renesmee jumps into the portal just as Leah and Jared enter the building.)

Leah: s**t I was supposed to be babysitting her.

Jared: Well maybe you would have been doing a better job if you actually watched her rather than getting thrown in prison for six hours.

Leah: Totally worth it.

Jared: Anyway I guess we should go in after them.

Leah: Are you kidding me? Her whole family's probably in there and I don't want to deal them or any elves!

Jared: But don't you want some attention? It seems the author only pays attention to that other world.

Leah: You just wait for the sequel Jared. Just wait and see.

Back to somewhere in Hyrule field.

Jasper: I'm sure Nessie's fine, let's just go to Ordon Village. Maybe we can question some people there.

Bella: Cool! But what if we run into monsters?

Jasper: Bella. Let me try to explain this to you calmly. (Takes in a deep breath) WE ARE F*****G VAMPIRES! WE CAN DESTROY/DEVOUR ANYTHING IN OUR PATH AND YOU'RE SCARED WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF WE RUN INTO MONSTERS?!

Bella: That's not exactly calm.

Jasper: At least I don't go around calling people gay.

Bella: For your information I only said he looked like a woman and he's probably transsexual anyway.

Jasper: Probably but let's just get to Ordon village and maybe you can have a sword so we don't have to use our vampire powers to draw attention.

Bella: Yay knives!

Jasper: O....k then.

Zora Domain.

Rosalie: For goodness sake Carlisle we should've been out of here by now!

Carlisle: Look I don't care what you say; I'm not going down there!

Rosalie: Look nothing can possibly happen to you. We don't have to breathe so we can't drown and anyway we're immortal so we can't die! So what's the problem?

Carlisle: The problem is I'm scared of heights.

Ghost Queen Rutela: Oh stop being such a little pussy.

Rosalie: Yeah that's what my mum said on their wedding night.

Carlisle: (sniff) why must this world be so cruel?

Rutela: Anyway I have a solution to his little problem.

Rosalie: Push him off the cliff?

Rutela: You red my mind.

Carlisle: Wait... What was that?

(Rutela comes up behind Carlisle)

Rutela: BOO!

Carlisle: AHH!

(Carlisle falls down the cliff.)

Rosalie: I thought we were going to push him?

Rutela: Well I'm a ghost so I don't have any physical presence and that was a hell of a lot funnier.

Rosalie: So true.

Rutela: Oh and while I'm at it, BOO!

Rosalie: AHH! (Falls down the cliff.)

Rutela: I love my job.

Gerudo desert

Emmett: Um, Esme can I ask you a question?

Esme: Of course you can Emmett, what is it?

Emmett: How did we wind up in a desert?

Esme: Well we're trying to look for our friends and maybe one of them fell in the middle of this desert? It's plausible.

Emmett: I suppose, but wouldn't the town be more of a likely place for someone to end up?

Esme: Yes Emmett but there's probably a trap set up for us in town and I'm not spending the rest of this fanfic in Hyrule dungeons with you. Any comments?

Emmett: Judging by what happened in the last chapter, no. (Hears the sound of something falling) Wait do you hear that?

Esme: As a matter a fact I do....... and it's heading straight for us!

Thing that is falling: GANG WAY!!!

Emmett: Don't worry Esme I'll handle this!

Esme: Now we're screwed.

(Thing crashes into the ground.)

Esme: Uh Emmett, what's that?

Emmett: Beats me.

Midna: You people really are complete morons.

Emmett: Nobody asked you but anyway where did you come from?!

Midna: Duh, the sky.

Emmett: Oh that helps us so damn much.

Midna: Oh please, what are you, Shadow the hedgehog?

Emmett: (cough) sonic fan girl (cough)

Midna: Well I'm not afraid to call myself a fan!

Emmett: That's nonsense all their new games suck!

Midna: That's exactly the answer I would expect from a complaining idiot like you!

Emmett: Oh please I'm right and you know it, I loved the old games; high speed action with only the odd bottomless pit not like; oh I don't know… SONIC 06!

Midna: Don't you bring that game into this! It had it's good and bad points. And every franchise is allowed to make the odd not so great game. And you're not being forced to play it, so there.

Emmett: Well then I suppose you think there's nothing wrong with, oh I don't know..

Midna: For the love of fan fiction, don't say the forbidden word!!!

Emmett: The company with the amazing voice actors…

Midna: Griffith's getting better….

Emmett: The one's who brought us the amazing show…

Midna: Sonic X had it's moments..

Emmett: And of course..

Midna: ……

Emmett: The creators of a certain sonic obsessed child..

Midna: You wouldn't…

Emmett: The glory of..

Midna: (Preparing to attack.)

Emmett: 4KIDS!!!!

(Midna starts violently attacking Emmett. Emmett tries to fight back but it's hopeless. Midna attacks without mercy.)

Esme: SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU! THIS FANGIRL WAR IS GETTING US NOWHERE!

Emmett: ......…

Midna: ........…(Stops in mid maul)

Esme: That's better, now who exactly are you?

Emmett: Why did you just sit around and do nothing while we were ranting? I thought you wouldn't have taken that.

Esme: Fan girl fights are fun to watch. Except when they get ugly.

Midna: He mentioned the forbidden word. I had no alternative.

Esme: Alright then, no one are is to ever mention Sonic again; while with me. Now back to my original question; Who exactly are you?

Midna: Look I'm just facing some problems where I come from and I need your help.

Emmett: You didn't even answer her question!

Midna: To sum it up, You're (pointing to Emmett) going to be my bitch.

Emmett: Hey, who do you think you are? I'm nobody's b***h!

Midna/Esme: Quiet b***h.

Emmett: Dammit…..

Meanwhile with Link and Edward…

Link: So that's how I style my hair every morning, try to do it in layers it looks more airy.

(Throws Edward some straightners and some mousse.)

Edward: Hey thanks Link, but no one must ever know of this but you and me.

Link: Agreed.

At the Sacred Grove…

Alice: How did his happen?

Jacob: I don't know I just followed the monkey!

Alice: Why?

Jacob: She said their would be cake.

Alice: I ALREADY PROMISED YOU CAKE YOU GREEDY *******! (To figure out the word, use your imaginations.)

(Monkey comes out of a random tree, think annoying skull kid.)

Monkey: The cake was alive b****h!

Jacob: Alright I think we should come off the subject of cake.

Alice: I concur.

Monkey: I will destroy you all!

Jacob: But you helped Link get to the final boss in Faron temple, and showed him the way here. I thought you were a good character?

Monkey: I have switched to the dark side, and I now have a badass tattoo!

Jacob: Cool, can I see it?

Monkey: Well It's kind of down south.

Jacob: What do you mean by that?

Monkey: It's on my ass.

Jacob: Well you're always naked anyway so I don't see a problem

Alice: I think we're getting off topic here and besides you should never trust a monkey.

Monkey: Uh why?

Alice: Well back when I was about fourteen..

Jacob: Oh joy, this story, I sure hope someone interrupts her right about now..

(Toon Link runs out of a tree with a sword about to attack)

Toon Link: HYAA!

Jacob: That'll work.

(Jacob turns into a wolf and head butts T Link in Alice's direction)

Alice: So then he said that doesn't go there and.. (sees flying child) AAHHH!!!

(Alice quickly dodges out of the way while Toon Link crashes into the monkey)

Alice: Is the monkey ok?

Jacob: I wouldn't worry. It's head exploded anyway from listening to your story.

Alice: My life isn't that disturbing!

Jacob: Tell that to the decapitated monkey.

Alice: Well what are we going to do with Toon Link?

Jacob: You know him?

Alice: Giant Zelda nerd here.

Jacob: Oh

Alice: But won't this cause some sort of paradox or something?

Jacob: Who cares? This is a crossover.

Alice: Hurray to cake.

**Well again I'm sorry everyone, I know its been practically forever since I've updated (major writers block) and I appreciate everyone who's reviewed or added this to their story alerts, I'll try to speed the next chapter along. Be prepared for future cameos from other franchises and rants from a sonic fan. You have been warned.**


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